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me: refuses to buy cereal with sugar in
also me: has an entire jug of g&t for dinner
sometimes i don’t think i have enough control over my life and then i remember i literally put my eating disorder and alcoholism on hold whenever necessary
idk i feel like im failing people because im not able to give them what they want (affection, closeness, etc) but at the same time the fact that i feel like i’m not allowed to withhold that affection for my own mental well-being makes me want to offer it even less? and the cycle continues lmao
like i don’t want people to hate themselves or think i hate them so i want to be affectionate but i don’t want to have to be affectionate to prevent people thinking i hate them lmao